Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
