my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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