I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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