I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
