"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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