dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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