How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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