with your own penis?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
