Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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