i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
