I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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