non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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