Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
