Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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