There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
