There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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