No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
