Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
