masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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