So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
