I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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