I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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