Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
