why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
