I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
