I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
