Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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