new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
