I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
