Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
