I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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