Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
