Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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