Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
