my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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