So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
