Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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