I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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