You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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