Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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