oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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