Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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