my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
