I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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