the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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