i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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