and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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