So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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