Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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