last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
