I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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