at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
